Beth admitted calling her husband, Steve, a slew of demeaning and disrespectful four-letter names. In spite of her behavior she says she loves him. Rick described how he had passive-aggressively taken Lauren’s car when she needed it; he referred to it as payback for when she had divulged details of his sexual inadequacies to her friend. Even though he sometimes hurts her, he says he loves her.
If Beth and Rick are serious about their sentiments, then love is a very strange phenomenon indeed. Rather than strengthening and nourishing each other, these couples behave more like the Patriots and the Jets trying to pulverize each other on a Sunday afternoon. Their competitive, hurtful tendencies, unfortunately, characterizes the mannerisms of many couples in love relationships. People are not all that good at loving. The divorce rate bears out this sad truth.
But what is it about love that is so hard? Love demands a multitude of strengths, which most do not possess or have not yet developed. Many partners do not have ability to control their angry impulses. Blindly and destructively hurling anger does little to warm a heart or encourage closeness. Love insists that partners and spouses learn to not hurt. Each can do little good for their relationship until each learns to do little harm. This is the essential truth about love relationships as well as their purpose. A love relationship is a laboratory in which partners may learn to grow and love if they have sufficient will to do so. A saying I have heard says, “change is constant, but growth is a choice.”
Love requires that partners are willing to be open, so a connection between them can be forged. This is the challenge of intimacy. It requires great strength to juggle the vulnerability of openness with the availability of closeness. To be seen by the partner, clearly and closely, with all the flaws and weaknesses each one of us possesses, chills many to the bones, causing them to run away, or to attack so as to push the lover safely away. In doing so, insecure lovers prevent love from happening.
Many lovers confuse power and control for ways of loving. Too many couples remain locked in power struggles and control battles for years, mistakenly believing that this duel of domination is the connection of love. Forcing our partner to bend to our will does not encourage a heart to open. Love is not about power. Love is simple; it is all that allows us to grow, be stronger, to connect and to merge. Andrew Aaron, LICSW, AASECT is a marriage counselor and sex therapist who practices in downtown New Bedford.