Kids Are Bad for Marriage

 There.  It’s out of the bag.  Now I am an easy target to be assailed as a lunatic. Why would I say such an unforgivable statement?  Because it’s true!

     Think about it.  In order to thrive, children need the same resources required by your love relationship.  Marriages change once the children are born; often for the worse. Please do not think that I am an opponent of children. I am not. Children are vital for the future of our species.  Couples desire to have children and are usually wise to do so.  We love our children. But let us not deceive ourselves.  Children are bad for our love relationships.

     Consider what children need: much of our time, much of our attention, much of our energy, much of our financial resources.  Now consider what we devoted to our partner before we had children: time, attention, energy and money, the same resources!  Good parents fulfill the needs of their children first. Nourishing the love relationship between partners usually falls off the bottom of the priority list, a victim of overwhelming demands.

     And what about sex?  What often was a robust, passionate and lusty sex life gets designated that little bit of energy remaining after an exhausting day, if at all.  As children grow, the privacy required for a good sex life disappears.  Mothers of small children commonly have little desire for sex. Most mothers who have been nurturing children all day long have little interest in nurturing their partner sexually. Mothers gain more pleasure from having alone time than having sexual time.

     Does this picture sound bleak?  It isn’t. The truth about raising children while simultaneously trying to have a great and passionate love relationship is that it is difficult, but not impossible.  However, those factors which are necessary to nourish your love for each other are slightly counter-intuitive.  Your relationship must rotate into the number-one-priority position at least once each week for two or three hours, with just the two of you.  Sex must not be allowed to fall away, even if it seems less desired.  More than ever, couples with children are best to emphasize respect, etiquette and generous communication.

     Give your kids the most valuable gift you can: a good marriage.

Andrew Aaron, LICSW, AASECT is a love relationship and sex therapist who practices in Downtown New Bedford.