Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
-Henry Ford
Some people avoid intimacy. Strangely, these people still form intimate relationships, and in a pattern that defies logic, they engage in lovemaking during the initial months. What happens next can be the source of confusion, frustration and finally out-right anger for the partner. The avoidant partner, after intimacy deepens, loses interest in being sexual, often in hugging, kissing, and perhaps even holding hands. Some will do their best to limit physical proximity, such as sitting together on a couch, where closeness or contact may be possible. The avoidant partner does not possess a conscious intent to harm the other, but does so without awareness. Even if asked directly, the avoidant partner will deny any avoidance because it is not a part of his or her conscious awareness. Partners of avoidant people commonly take the avoidance personally; it feels to them like rejection. They may question if the avoidant partner is angry with them, if they are no longer found attractive. Reactionary steps such as going to the gym or experimenting with a new hair style to make themselves more appealing are efforts which are unlikely to alter the avoidant partner’s low level of engagement and fail to increase the amount of emotional or physical closeness in the relationship. The negative effect to the other partner can be significant, ranging from anger to low self-esteem and depression. Even if sex may not have been extremely important to them prior, the result of being deprived of affection may cause the importance of sex to be elevated to an extreme make-it-or break-it status where threats such as, “Have sex with me or we’re through!” are not unusual. When confronted, the avoidant male partner is likely to say, “I am just not a sexual person.” His words contradict his sexual behaviors from the beginning of the relationship. If female, the avoidant partner is likely to say, “Sex is not that important, why are you so obsessed with it?..I think you are a sex addict…you need to get help.” It is normal when deprived of affection and sex for the desire for these to grow, just as someone starved of food may not be able to get the thought of food out of their minds. This differs from an unhealthy obsession. Avoidant partners became this way due to a childhood history which typically included some form of abuse, even though it may never have been identified by the avoidant individual as such. A general and recurrent disregard for a child’s feelings can produce in them avoidant patterns as an adult. With work in therapy can help an avoidant individual grow to overcome these tendencies; however, their motivation to do so is a vital ingredient. This article first appeared when published in SoCo Magazine.
Some people avoid intimacy. Strangely, these people still form intimate relationships, and in a pattern that defies logic, they engage in lovemaking during the initial months. What happens next can be the source of confusion, frustration and finally out-right anger for the partner. The avoidant partner, after intimacy deepens, loses interest in being sexual, often in hugging, kissing, and perhaps even holding hands. Some will do their best to limit physical proximity, such as sitting together on a couch, where closeness or contact may be possible. The avoidant partner does not possess a conscious intent to harm the other, but does so without awareness. Even if asked directly, the avoidant partner will deny any avoidance because it is not a part of his or her conscious awareness.
Partners of avoidant people commonly take the avoidance personally; it feels to them like rejection. They may question if the avoidant partner is angry with them, if they are no longer found attractive. Reactionary steps such as going to the gym or experimenting with a new hair style to make themselves more appealing are efforts which are unlikely to alter the avoidant partner’s low level of engagement and fail to increase the amount of emotional or physical closeness in the relationship. The negative effect to the other partner can be significant, ranging from anger to low self-esteem and depression. Even if sex may not have been extremely important to them prior, the result of being deprived of affection may cause the importance of sex to be elevated to an extreme make-it-or break-it status where threats such as, “Have sex with me or we’re through!” are not unusual.
When confronted, the avoidant male partner is likely to say, “I am just not a sexual person.” His words contradict his sexual behaviors from the beginning of the relationship. If female, the avoidant partner is likely to say, “Sex is not that important, why are you so obsessed with it?..I think you are a sex addict…you need to get help.” It is normal when deprived of affection and sex for the desire for these to grow, just as someone starved of food may not be able to get the thought of food out of their minds. This differs from an unhealthy obsession.
"this is just great stuff" Read more by anonymous on The Place of Sex in Our Lives
"Wow... really puts it into perspective!" Read more by Joe Andrade on The Place of Sex in Our Lives
Andrew Aaron, LICSW 50 North Second St. New Bedford, MA 02740 ......................................... Tel: 508-997-6091 x106 Fax: 508-999-7795
Capable of helping romantic partners with problems about which few therapists are experienced. Send Andrew an e-mail.
NEW PATIENT? Get started by submitting a New Patient Form.