Loving Yourself Promotes Passion

Older couples often say, "All that lovey-dovey stuff is for kids," as they look enviously at the younger couples who express their mutual love passionately.  The passion in a relationship is a measure of both its satisfaction, but also its success. Yet it is difficult to maintain in a long-term connection.  For each partner to have a loving regard for him or herself is a critical factor to being a successful loving partner.  If you want the passion in your relationship to last...love yourself!
     Our society emphasizes two important life paths: career and relationship.  To excel at our career, we are encouraged, and forced by rule of law, to go to school for years, get training and possibly even attend higher education.  Much energy and effort go into insuring our financial success.  Careers are intellectually-based while relationships are emotionally-based, which is less culturally valued. For the relationship path, no formal training is available, encouraged or provided. Irregardless, the expectation remains high that our relationships will be good.  Such expectations are unreasonable.
     If there was formal training, it would focus upon the strength and loving nature of the relationship each potential partner has with him or herself.  No other factor gives greater bang for our buck when it comes to forming and maintaining passionate relationships. The name for this is self-esteem.  It is a measure how much a person loves him or herself. Paradoxically, the more we feel good about ourselves, the less self-centered we grow, and the more capable of loving others we become.
     Upon hearing this, many of us are tempted to reply quickly, "Of course I love myself." Yes, you probably do.  Still, our potential to love ourselves is infinitely deep, and can always be further developed.  Some of the many indicators of low self-esteem are: negative thinking, past hurts which remain unforgiven, accumulated resentment, low confidence, self-criticism, inability to set good limits with others or ourself, judging ourself or others, not speaking up about problems, making choices we later regret, character weaknesses, conflict avoidance, ignoring our needs, being anxious and fearful, and disliking our bodies.  The list can continue, but I think you get my drift.  Each of these limits our ability to love not only ourselves fully, but also to love our partner, other people and life.
       Having passion within our relationship or marriage is essential.  Our relationship's satisfaction, health, longevity and success depend upon it.  Some couples express this through affection, some through kindness, others through an active sex life.  To be a skilled lover, especially within the context of a long-term intimate relationship, positive self-esteem is of prime importance because sex is emotional in nature. Emotional strength provides a lover the ability to relax while simultaneously allowing deep intimacy.
      The more positive is our relationship with ourself, the greater will be our capacity to love another.  If the love for ourself is not deep, then deep love will be invisible to us..it will be hidden behind the blind spot of our own emotional limitations.  You are the limiter of your own love. The relationship we have with ourself filters how we experience others and our world.  If it is a poor relationship, then the world and others will not seem loving.  This article was first published in the New Bedford Standard Times as apart of the column entitled Love U.