Couples Therapy

Conflict is a necessary and unavoidable part of being in a relationship. The anger that often is generated by the conflict as well as the differences between partners cause many in relationships to create conflict that is hurtful, destructive and ineffective. Healthy conflict results in understanding and resolutions which deepen the partners' connection to each other and greater mutual understanding. The goal of any conflict is not victory, but progress. Conflict can be positive without much hurt.

Andrew Aaron, LICSW, AASECT has helped many couples make the transition from destructive, escalating conflicts to more peaceful, constructive conflicts.

There exist many challenges to the bond of love between partners, such as infidelities. The damage caused by a partner stepping outside the boundaries of a committed relationship can be excruciating to the injured partner. It is not unusual for the hurt partner, after learning about the infidelity to lose his or her appetite, to have trouble sleeping, to have a busy mind which obsesses about the details of the infidelity, and to be unable to concentrate. The resulting distrust caused by an infidelity, can be particularly difficult to heal. The unfaithful partner will have his or her own set of intense emotions, such as guilt, embarrassment and shame, which may get overlooked in the rush to soothe the injured partner's pain. The good news is that most couples do maintain their relationship despite the challenge to the relationship bond. Some couples are able to heal their relationships and make it even better than it was before! Getting help can speed the healing.

Andrew Aaron, LICSW, AASECT has treated many couples suffering from the fallout from this intensely difficult crisis. He is well versed in the lengthy and complex journey couples go through while healing.

Few will dispute the importance of being in a love relationship; and few will argue that being in a bad love relationship can be highly painful. The trouble is that many people who attempt to create a satisfying love relationship, whether it be a marriage or not, are not very good at it.

The divorce rate is approximately 50%, suggesting that half of all marriages end before “death do they part.” If the same percentage were applied to the number of people getting infected with the flu, the outbreak would be viewed as an epidemic of historic proportions. And the 50% that are able to make their marriage last, their togetherness indicates little about the happiness of those in marriages that remain together.

For those in a committed love relationship, the security provided by the commitment, makes possible deep intimacy. This represents both a blessing and a curse. When we embrace the challenge by allowing ourselves to be really close to our partner, and fully open to them, we allow ourself to be completely vulnerable. It is part of the human experience for vulnerability to produce fear. In our openness, our sense of self is tested because the limits of our self are gone. Merging becomes likely. This is intimacy. It is a quality that most lovers say they value, until the opportunity to experience it is available. Then most lovers shut down and run away.

People in love relationships are infinitely clever in ways to seem to be close to their partner while keeping themselves sufficient safe distance. For many, especially if he or she has been deeply hurt in the past, the more real the opportunity for intimacy, the more they will distance themselves emotionally.

Many people find that it is easier to be sexual with a stranger than with a partner in a long-term committed relationship with whom there is much history. Many people become aware that it is easier to feel very open and close to the stranger they have never met, but with whom they chat on the Internet. Connections with people with whom there is no history, but with whom there is also no risk of real, deep closeness can feel very satisfying, but in these connection we are not truly challenged because we are not truly seen or known. This is easy. Having a relationship day in and day out, while fully sharing who we are, our strengths and weaknesses, creates an environment where we must be honest with ourselves; where we cannot easily run away from ourselves. It is work, and not always fun, but it makes us strong and self aware.

In relationship therapy, also called marriage counseling by many, couples seek to either repair their connection or improve the quality of their togetherness. Whether or not a couple can reach their goal, is a matter of each partner's ability to love.

Can we love? And how well can we love? Perhaps learning to love, and learning to love deeply is the purpose of life. To love more deeply is an exercise that is appropriate for everyone. We can all love more deeply, and it is in our love relationship that we are provided a daily opportunity to practice doing so.

The capacity of a person's ability to love depends upon her or his relationship with him or herself. Just as a chain is no stronger than its weakest link, a relationship is no stronger than the weaker partner's relationship with him or herself. So the task to be completed in relationship therapy, is to encourage each partner to learn to love him or herself. For individuals with low self-esteem and insecurities a love relationship will be very challenging. Without loving ourself, we have no capacity to love another.

It takes two strong people to make one strong relationship.