Making Sex Emotionally Safe

Published by Andrew Aaron on Thursday, 6th April 2017 - 1:27PM in Sexuality Articles

["emotions", "safety", "sex", "passion", "marriage"]

Sex does not exist as an island, separate and independent. Sex is an interdependent aspect of partners' connection and relationship, most often within the context of a love relationship. Between partners, the way each shares and relates provides direct support for an active and satisfying sexual relationship, or it interferes with a positive sexual piece, possible preventing it.

I'm talking about emotional safety and how that is a vital component necessary to make a love relationship healthy and satisfying, but also is an essential bit of support the presence passionate sex life. We could see the sexual play between partners as like a jewel in a ring. The daily love relationship and the partners’ loving efforts are the setting which holds the jewel.

To maintain the presence of an active, pleasurable and satisfying sex life, it must be fostered by all that happens outside the bedroom, but also protected from the stresses and strains of all that happens outside the bedroom. The boundaries that exists between partners emphasizes the reality that each of us is separate, even though we share a union in the relationship. This paradox is true when we are sexual, especially it must be honored in the bedroom because within a sexual experience the melding and merging of partners is tuly possible.

Establishing clear, well-defined boundaries keep partners safe from potential hurts, such as unmet expectations, disappointments and misunderstandings. If boundaries are well-established, the sexual arena is also protected from fear and anxiety, uncomfortable emotions which easily de-rail the smooth flow of passionate moments.

  One way this is created is by forming agreements and understandings about the way partners communicate and relate. It may be challenging, because many people have discomfort talking about sex, but doing so is less uncomfortable than experiencing disappointing sexual experiences. As sexual partners, If each partner can depend upon the other taking full responsibility for his or her sexual experience and satisfaction, then the connection between partners becomes much simpler and easier to successfully manage/negotiate.

When you and your lover are together, how do you balance your desire to please your partner with getting your needs met. How are these communicated? If you need a different kind of touch or attention, are you likely to tell your lover, or hope that he/she gets the hint? If one of you gives instructions, is this likely to cause hurt or conflict?

The potential for a negative incident during a sexual session injects tension and anxiety into the atmosphere and the inner experience of the partners, an unwelcome visitor who is the enemy of a deep closeness, high excitement and high pleasure.

To increase the chances of each encounter being awesome, create an understanding with your lover that says: I will speak about my needs and I trust that you will speak about yours. We both agree to communicate kindly and carefully. I promise that if I desire a specific attention or pleasure, I will ask for it. This does interfere with the comfortable tendency in each couple, for one partner to be the “sexual-event leader” and the other to be more like a passive follower, but this cost is well worth the increased potential for pleasure and satisfaction. Without these rules, disconnection, negative assumption, conflict and disappointment are lurking right around the corner in any intimate encounter. Andrew Aaron, LICSW 508-997-6091 x106 


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