The couple reminisced about the moment their eyes first met.  There was a spark.  Upon learning that the attraction was mutual, both grew excited that they were part of a togetherness.  One happily described it as a “click” and the other, flush with warm remembrance, recalled feeling a strong chemistry between the two.  Their deep synchronicity felt magical.  Thereafter, sex was frequent, passionate and fun; their  relating was natural, easy and effortless.

    The concept of chemistry, in love relationships, not science, is spoken of often when partners grieve the loss of relationship satisfaction.  It is a special bond in which connection is deep and harmonious.  When chemistry is present, relating is simple. It features as an important determining factor when choosing a partner.  When chemistry is gone, however, partners are mystified as to why it is so difficult to recapture.  Yet most lovers painfully long to feel it again.  

    Chemistry happens when our deeper part, our souls, are involved in loving.  When both partners give this pure, nourishing love simultaneously, the magic of chemistry spontaneously erupts in a golden cloud that blissfully envelopes both partners.  In this delicious state, partners are soul mates.  

    Different than how it is customarily used, the condition of being “soul mates” is only potentially a permanent condition. It is almost always a temporary state which disappointingly cannot be maintained.  Each partner is a potential soul mate, if deep simultaneous love is ceaselessly given.  Wonderful chemistry is effortless in the beginning of a relationship, before the foibles of partner personalities exert their influence and bring the couple “back down to earth.” Friendships are relationships in which a lesser chemistry is easier to maintain because the emotional intimacy is shallower than in romantic relationships.

     What makes it so hard to keep this chemistry alive in long-term relationships?  When not living out of the deep soul, a partner’s emotional wounds and limitations strongly, negatively grip behavior and experience.  Old unresolved emotions interfere with freely giving or receiving love.  Over time, hurts and disappointments cause toxic emotion to accumulate like snowflakes in a blizzard.  The vulnerability demanded by love causes most partners to synchronize in a dance of distancing and self-protection, instead of connection.  A common pattern is for partners to swap blame for this disconnected condition, accelerating the journey away from deep connection.

    A united chorus of disappointed partners complain about disconnection; “There just isn’t any chemistry,” they cry. The meaning of these words does not just speak of a temporary loss, but a belief that this is a permanent condition.  In other words, the current partner is the wrong partner, and was a poor choice from the beginning.

    Yes, when the chemistry is absent, a relationship is troubled.  But just as when chemistry was present, this disconnected state, too, is changeable. Because of gravity, falling down is easier than climbing up.  Similarly, it is easier to lose chemistry than it is to rebuild it.  When gone, it feels, undoubtedly, like it can never be regained.

     Chemistry is not some kind of magic that suddenly appears; it is deep within us all the time.  It can be revived, but to succeed partners must dive deeply below personality limitations. The chemistry you crave is available the moment you and your partner use your strength and courage to mutually offer deep love.

Andrew Aaron, LICSW